Already a Year
by ArtsyGirl 14
Summary: It's a year after the Outsiders took place, and Ponyboy is having some trouble moving on.


**Author's Note: Hello, I'm Artsygirl 14! I've never written an Outsiders fanfic before, but I loved the book and movie, so I'll give it a shot. I am open to constructive criticism, but if you are going to be rude, don't even waste time reviewing and move on. Also, I know it may annoy some people, but if I get descriptions from the book and movie confused, character wise, forgive me please. It has been about a year since I've read the book and don't have a great memory with descriptions. Well, that's all, enjoy. Oh! And this is a one-shot and takes place about a year after the Outsider events. Again, enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Obviously I do NOT own the Outsiders! S.E Hinton DOES! Thank you!**

**Ponyboy's POV:**

It's been a year since everything happened, and there is not a day where I go without this horrible pain that shoots from my heart to my stomach. I visit Jonny and Dally sometimes and let them know how everything is goin' and how the rest of the gang is. Whenever I visit, I feel like I'm gonna bawl right then and there, but somethin' always tells me to hold it in. After I get home though, nothin' stops me and I run straight to my room and let all the tears fall. There are times when I cry when I try to figure out why I can't move on, why the pain burns constantly. I could go to Soda, since he seems to always understand, but I think that he couldn't even tell me. Admittedly, after Johnny and Dally died, I started pushing people, and I guess that includes Soda.

Maybe, I'm over thinking this and this whole thing is common knowledge. I mean, when my parents died, I had nightmare constantly, and still do. Maybe, this is just a natural reaction to death.

I don't want to think anymore, so I look up at my ceiling, and this uneasy feeling drifts over me. This is the feeling I get every day; an awkward, unsettling feeling in my heart that courses down to my stomach, aching and screaming for something, but I don't know what! Finally, I feel that horrible feeling tugging at my eyes, burning them, telling me to let it all go. Right now, I don't want to! Right now, I want to kick, scream, get in a fight! Anything, besides the same old cryin' thing! I'm restless and I just don't care anymore, I hate my surroundings, nothing is the same, nothing is right!

I get up off mine and Soda's shared bed and dash out our door then make my way out of the rest of the house. I'm running, increasing speed every second. I hear Darry or maybe Soda, callin' after me, so I guess I stayed in my room all day again. It doesn't matter though, nothin' matters, I just wanna get out of here!

I run for a long time til' I come across the place that I guess I wanted to go. I look at the cemetery, and contemplate for a while if I really wanna go in right now, if I'm mentally able to. I put one foot forward and that's that, I'm goin' in no matter what. I come across Dally's grave first, and become overwhelmed with grief and somethin' like anger.

Finally, I move on to the person I've been longing to see, well, more like, visit. I step up and become aware that my fists are balled up and that I got this huge lump in my throat that I just can't seem to get out, no matter what. I think for a minute, about what Johnny said to me a year ago. He wanted me to stay gold, and I s'pose that includes movin' on and bein' happy, but I'm not, and I'm not the same. I'm not gold, not anymore. I don't dig movies the way I used to, I rarely leave my room, I quick track, my grades slipped quite a bit, and I don't even give a damn about sunsets anymore! I fall then, to the ground, right in front of Johnny's grave and I realized that I'm furious! With Dally, Johnny, me, and everyone!

Dally let go, because Johnny wasn't there! That was selfish; I didn't do it no matter how much I wanted to, I kept myself alive! So, why the hell couldn't Dally? Johnny just had to follow me in to that damned church and he just had to push me out! He wasn't selfish enough! I should be dead! I should be gone! I WANT to be! I would give anything so those two could live and that goes for my parents too! Then, of all, there is me! Selfish, stupid, horrible me, who got two member of the gang killed! I shouldn't have gone into the church, I shouldn't ran away with Johnny, and hell, I shouldn't have fallen asleep in the lot! None if this would've happened if it wasn't for me, and now I'm still doin' wrong, b'cause my best friend in the world tells me to do one thing, and I can't even do that! I'm a disappointment, always was and always will be!

I don't wanna have to live up to these expectations anymore! I don't even deserve them, encouragement, family, friends, and love, I feel, is wasted on me. I now, feel a cool wetness on my face and I realize that I'm crying. For the first time since the funeral, I am crying in front of Johnny and Dally's grave. I just feel so lost and I don't know what to do!

Suddenly, I feel a hand on my shoulder, I jump, startled, but in a way half hoping it's Johnny and Dally, trading their places with me. Instead though, it was Soda and Darry, and though I hate to admit it, I cried even harder because of it. They embraced me and it tightened with every sob and sniffle. They whispered soothing words in my ears and though I didn't pay much attention, they seemed to work. I was then getting a little tired from all the crying, so for the first time since last year, Darry picked me up, ready to take me home. Soda was right behind us, and through drooping, tired eyes, I saw his concern and love. Maybe, I decided, half asleep, I will tell them how I feel, maybe they will have an answer for me, and maybe we can get through this together as a family. That's when I realized that I'm not the only one who lost them and I started to feel more at ease than I have in a while.

I know that even the brightest of gold can smudge and dull, but just a little polish can make it gleam again. I'll never be quite the same, and neither will the gold, but I can be close with my family and the rest of the gang as my polish, because as much as I'd love to say 'what if' this and 'what if' that, it won't make any difference and they won't come back. I'll keep them in my heart though, hoping for better days and that they are happy wherever they may be.

**Well, hope you all enjoyed! It may have been a little OOC, sorry for that! Anyway, I hope you enjoyed! Read and review if you want! Thanks, bye!**


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